So there is this boy who is exactly one day older then I am, and we’ve had this thing since I was about 14 years old. He means the absolute world to me but my mind has so many different things running through it. I can’t figure out which person is the real “joe” - the one I know, who sweet talks me, and makes me smile from ear to ear and laugh out loud just reading a text or the one my cousins know - cocky, full of himself, and thinks he’s better then everyone. I wanna believe he means everything he tells me, after all we’ve learned a little more about one another even though we’re 100+ miles apart. I would literally drop everything to be there for him and make sure I was there when he needed me. He hasn’t seen my cousin in months but finally saw them today because he came over to see me. Watching someone I have no idea who they are degrade me and talk shit indirectly about me and him jump the gun, take off his shirt, and go after him made me realize somewhere inside of him he must care about me. I feel like I’m head over heels for someone who feels the same way but there is something that stops us from committing to one another. I just want an answer, or happiness. Maybe one day he’ll stop telling me how much I mean to him & actually decide he wants a relationship; I guess we will just wish.
It’s been 9 days too long. 9 days and 8 hours to be exact. 9 days since I lost someone extremely close to me, 9 days since someone I looked forward to everyday decided to walk completely out of my life, 9 days since someone I’ve known since I was in pre-k decided they didn’t need me anymore, 9 days since I felt like everything was perfectly on track. I have gone through hell with everyone around me. I have dropped out of my college classes, struggled getting along and seeing eye-to-eye with my best friend of 21 years (my mom), and decided that really there is nothing here for me. Running back to someone I love unconditionally and was with for four years of my life, rekindling friendships I stopped caring about. His friends still wanna text me and tell me things they said they have heard and seen, but he denies it all. Things could be so much better and I am tired of trying to get him to be apart of my life again. He asked me when things went rotten to please stay in school, and don’t give up. I promised him I would fight, I would try my hardest. Last time he walked out of my life - I was a sophomore in highschool. Everyday he would show up from his highschool to mine, give me a kiss, and go back to where he was suppose to be. When we decided to “officially” date 4 years later he told me ” Next time, don’t give up so easily” I told him, I wouldn’t give up. Any girl to try to get their hands on him would have to physically go through me first. I tried my hardest to fight for him, hours of crying, tons of phone calls. Nothing brought him back, it was almost like it was a game to see how big of a fool he could make out of me. Tonight I broke down and decided to tell him that I missed him. Something I was trying so hard not to do. I just wanted him to think that I was okay, and I was happy, and I didn’t need him. I failed at keeping to my promise to myself. Rekindling old friendships, and my ex of four years telling me how much he loves me, wants me to cuddle with him. Hanging out two days ago for the first time in almost 4 months felt so completely different, maybe because I have got myself tied up in someone I’ve always cared about - forever longer then I’ve known him. I didn’t think that a feeling like that would ever go away, and it hasn’t. It just felt so weird. Now I’m so lost and I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing. So here I am: dropped my classes this semester, and I am packing my bags and on my way to a Snowy state at the end of December, all to restart my life fresh with no worries in the world. Not to run from my problems, but to see what else is out there for me; bound to be something better then this place is having to offer. I’m tired of struggling and picking up the pieces because I always set myself up for failure and it’s not fair anymore, it gets old. I gave a part of me to someone just to walk out 3 days shy.
I FOLLOW BACK 1OO%